and then you wonder how you got here

The twists and turns that we travel on this path are sometimes befuddling. Not while you are negotiating the curves but after you have emerged. You look back and just have to marvel at some of the hairpin turns that you survived through. You remember being in the middle of that "knot" and feeling overwhelmed because the beginning or the end is not readily in view or apparent anytime soon. Your breath is quick and shallow as a sense of panic rises. Yet you forge ahead... or what you think is ahead hoping that the path will soon straighten out.

These thoughts floated last night as I lay in wait to slip into slumber. I imagined life as a string with a series of knots. Not all of them dire, I have to admit. Many more constituted self inflicted challenges of one kind or another. Some professional. Some personal. Very few that I regret in retrospect... and most of those now just seemed petty. This was actually an interesting revelation in this exercise of reflection. That what seemed important at the time is now of little significance.

Perhaps the further I journey along this path, the more I shed. I am hoping that is the case anyway. The baggage of our attachments may really be what keeps us hostage. Are we keeping them or are they keeping us? The attachments of importance... or more accurately what we have chosen to deem important. This is what creates our personal dogma of absolutes that we project onto the world... and we all have them in some form or another. Whether a believer or non we all have them... those judgmental absolutes that we inflict when our little worlds are threatened by the unfamiliar.

And even if we continue to shed the baggage in time we still hold on to a handful hoping that perhaps those may be the true ones. And sometimes in a flash of clarity you realize that what really got you out of those many knots was not the truth you attempted to impose on others but the courage to be honest with yourself.

Which Lecram is this anyway?

As I was out and about last night I ran into several people. (Always a pleasant thing.) Anyway it got me thinking (very dangerous when that happens... keep the flammables away) that each one that I met has known me in a different context because (as it were) I wear many hats.

In medieval times people were assigned titles such as ,,, Richard the Lionhearted, etc... that sort of defined their place in history. So here are some that I have compiled for myself in the context that a few around here identify me as...

Lecram the Obscure Playwright - this one has been more true over the last 5 years. I used to crank those puppies out (and known as Lecram the Prolific)... until about 5 years ago. Still, I do have about 52 to my name and unless a Mack truck has my name on it tomorrow... there will be more coming soon.

Lecram the Disco Dancer - this was back when I was young and stupid. Enuff said.

Lecram the Rogue Dude - Yeah, I'm (still) known as that when I go out in public these days. People still come up to me and chat and "work" me because they think it is going to score them points in some way or another. The thing is I'm not in charge anymore... and even when I was... I'm chronically objective. But, it's nice and I have learned to be gracious over the years without making any promises. Then there is the variation...

Lecram the In-Charge Rogue Dude - now this is from the inner circle. OK... me and a few others started and ran this thing over a few years... but we are not in-charge anymore. Yes, things are changing and one of the reasons I stepped out is that things MUST change. If the Rogue is to survive and thrive it cannot be associated with one person or small group of "has beens". It's evolvolving. It has to be anm entity unto itself. "How it used to be" ain't how it's gonna be. Think outside the box... think bigger. Yes, there will be growing pains... but if it is to be... then it should be on it's own merit.

Lecram the Friend - I am a stalwart friend. I am also a very objective friend... sometimes to my my own detriment. The reason being that I often work with a lot of my friends. I actually can separate friendship from business... many can't. So, as a result I get cast as the ogre in a lot of situations just because I can make that separation where others choose to take it personally. Case and point... I found a better replacement for me in Suicide Lounge... and gladly so.

Lecram the Listener - Really, there is information that I know that I really should not (and need not) know about people. Yes, I actually listen. I don't jump to conclusions or make harsh judgments. If it is important to... I actually find out the other side of the story. I'm funny that way.

Lecram the Generous - I can be to a fault.

Lecram the Frugal - Yeah, I am. Why pay more if you don't have to? This is also byproduct of being Lecram the Starving Playwright and Lecram the Broke.

Lecram the Insecure - Aren't we all in some aspect of our lives?

Lecram the Morty - It's Morty... it ain't me. Morty is totally a cold heartless MOFO... but it's always business.

So, these are some I have come up with. I'm sure there are more that are unflattering and I have blocked out of my rabid infested mind. Which Lecram do you know... or which Lecram do you want to know about? And more importantly... which YOU is the prevailing YOU at the moment?

more shameless promotion (with an edit)

Yeah, I finish cutting this tonight... and the shows are coming up this weekend. So if you live around the big NO... come on down and catch these fine shows!


More in the AM... promise!

EDIT: 10:30 AM, Tuesday
I just sent off my responses of an email interview to Fresno Famous that will be featured on Friday (I think). Now, I either have to snap a pic or hunt for one in my archives. Hmm... I wonder if they will post a half nekkid one of me. LOL!

Also, I have to begin promotions on the next presentation of Rogue Year Round. Yes, it is going to be a barrage over the internet and probably going to annoy some on MySpace. Well, I'm not apologizing for it in advance because the whole exercise is to get Butts In The Seats. The point here is we are not just promoting to friends and supporters but also to potential newbies... and with the attention span these days people forget very easily. (That's just one of the many reasons... but no one asked choosing instead to throw barbs.) I'll have you know that the last promotional thrust pulled in at least two thirds of the paying audience who were exposed to anything Rogue for the very first time... and they had a bloody good time.

The Rogue was not created to be some sort of "insiders club" but something to be inclusive. What I really don't appreciate (for the Rogue in general) is certain "insiders" had chosen to air their disdain of my previous methods via blogs and comments... which is a public forum. Either support the event (by showing up) or don't (by not showing up). If you want to question my methods... shoot me an email (and I will patiently provide an explanation of the "whys") but airing it in a public forum (via the power of the internet) is just plain unprofessional and counter productive to all many are attempting to accomplish. I'm all for debate and discussion... and if you are an insider... lets keep it within the confines of a meeting (one on one or via email)... but snippy blogs and comments that are open to the public just smacks of juvenile attention seeking. There... I've said my peace and for the record, I don't hold any grudge or ill feelings about what transpired... just saying.

Now back to editing the many videos that are laying in wait.

mind meanderings on this and that

It seems as if I always have to start it... get it going... then they will jump on board... maybe.
To be honest... I'm getting a little tired of this. It's not one project... this is the case in several things I have my hot little hands on at the moment. "Oh yeah... we support you... 100 percent behind it." So, then I send out emails requesting assistance in certain aspects... crickets chirp. Discussions lead to decisions that affect these projects... yet I (who technically am spearheading these projects) am not informed of these decisions. Some aspects of these projects affect a few other folk... but... crickets chirp loud.

Yes, I am passionate about what I do. I also have very well thought out ideas and methods of achieving goals in the short and long term. I am very emphatic about expressing them too. However, I am also open to other ideas. Even if I am still not convinced that those ideas are as good as mine... I will capitulate to the majority. But, dammit... let me know what the final decision is. Lately, all I've been getting is the cricket chorus.

I very rarely voice my opinions unless I get all sides of the story (especially on the big stuff)... and even then it is iffy.

More often than not... this is not a luxury that has been afforded to me. Look, I am used to the slings and arrows of criticism in a lot of what I do. Heck, I imagine other toddlers when I was born had issues with my thumb sucking techniques. I take it as part and parcel of my lot in life. Sure, I do have views and opinions and I do express them... and more often than not only after weighing in what the other side has to offer. And in the immortal words of a certain very wise Mr. Gump... "That's all I have to say about that."

My other lot in life is facilitating opportunities for others.

These incidents have happened of late and made me smile wider than the man in the moon inside. It is really astounding to watch something creatively gel. And to watch the sparkle of greater possibility glinting in the eyes when it happens. It's a quiet rush that has no equal. OK, perhaps as equally rewarding is being present for the entire process that eventually ignites that moment. This one balances off the first two.

OH, and if you live in the Toronto area...

The Fringe is coming up. I highly recommend you catching the shows of THIS & THIS performer friends of mine... and pass the word, won't cha?

So much for now... perhaps more later.

inner dialogue

: I really want to!
: I understand... but we know that patience has always done well by us.
: So, has action.
: Always tempered with thought... our successes have always been backed by that.
: What happened to spontaneity? We have been successful with that too, haven't we?
: Yes, but all our quick assertive decisions were always arrived at through the balance of logic and a calculation of probability.
: Still a gamble.
: Calculated nevertheless.
: Hmmm...
: What is that "hmmm.. " all about?
: Nothing.
: "Hmmm... you're being a spoilsport hmmm?"
: It's just a "hmmm..."
: Sure?
: Promise.
: O.K.
: So, we wait?
: Look, it's not time wasted while knowledge is actively being acquired.
: I suppose. So, what we have now is what we work with?
: Yes, it is still new... we are still learning.
: And once we have figured how it works... then what?
: Then we can determine if what we want is truly a need or just an extravagance. Besides, we should never deprive ourselves of our most effective creative trigger.
: Limitation.
: Precisely.
: Ironic.
: Totally.
: What about the gut?
: It has it's place... but not this time. So, are we in agreement?
: Done. (pause) So, why is there the perception out there that we are not reasonable?
: Beats me.

and in the end...

... the love you take, is equal to the love you make. - the Beatles.

It's lines like that that I really want to believe in. I remember first hearing that album (Abby Road) when I was 12 and recall how the simple profundity of it hit me sideways. "Of course it's true! It must be... it's so simple it just has to be."

I was also at the age when I believed (along with several hundred people) that a reddish hued little being (not unlike a leprechaun) had appeared under a tree just by the fence of a school in my old neighborhood in Malaysia. Story had it that a man in his 50's had saved this being from a vicious dog who had cornered it up against the tree. After chasing the dog away the man felt a weight in the pocket of his pants. He slipped his hand in and pulled out a thousand dollars in cash. The being smiled, thanked him for his kindness and disappeared. Then, there was a woman who had offered a cup of water to it was rewarded with gold jewelry. A little local boy with a harelip who had befriended the being was instantly cured. News of this phenomenon soon spread like wildfire in my old neighborhood that there was a "supernatural little man" who was granting wishes 3 blocks away.

When I got there by 10 that morning of the first day a sizable crowd had already gathered. Everyone was focused on a reddish brown stone about 5 inches in diameter. Rumor had it this foot and a half tall being (description varied by no more than 6 inches from several "witnesses") had shape shifted into this jagged object and would choose to show itself and grant wishes when it was good and ready to do so.

By 2 in the afternoon someone had fashioned a little hut out of planks and placed it over the stone to shelter it from the hot equatorial sun. At 4 PM just as I was leaving to go home an ice cream cart was doing a brisk business from gawkers and onlookers now numbering about 200.

The next morning the story circulated that 25 or so of the faithful who had kept vigil overnight were each rewarded with a hundred dollars a piece by the being. A story also floated around that the man who had built the little hut went home to be reunited with his repentant wife who had run off 2 months earlier. By the time I got there the throng easily numbered several hundred. Offerings of food and burning sticks of incense now sat in front of the little hut. The hushed reverence present the day before was now replaced by a wild jibber jabbering of fantastic stories of wishes granted among the crowd.

The demographic cut across the board. All stratas of society, races and religions were equally represented. There were even a couple of chauffeur driven society types present. Everyone milled and chatted about this amazing phenomenon after paying respects to the red stone. Suddenly, there was an audible swoon from a section of the crowd. 5 women in tears were claiming that they could see the little man. The air became electric with similar claims. "Yes, there he is!" "He smiled at me!"

Within half an hour the police arrived and set up a perimeter to hold the crowd back. I left to go home for lunch. By the time I returned I couldn't get within 200 yards of the place. Nevertheless, I stayed until six that evening just soaking in the intoxicating buzz.

For two weeks the narrow dirt road just outside the fence was festooned with a multitude all focused on a reddish brown stone. The numbers that turned up proved to be such a distraction that the school closed for 3 days. But as per usual, patience for the spectacular to occur was lost and interest waned. Then one day the reddish brown stone was no more and everything was back to how it was before. Theories of what the being was and where it came from were bandied about for months in the local coffeeshops.

I never saw the little man but for those first couple of days I experienced something quite unusual... people were genuinely nice to each other. Any tensions between class, religion and race ceased to exist... replaced by a mutual respect through the sharing of stories. I distinctly remember being given a free Popsicle "on the house" by the ice cream man to provide relief from the sweltering afternoon sun. I found out later that his entire stock for the day had been bought by one of the chauffeur driven types and that anyone approaching him to buy was to be given one for free.

All this goodwill inevitably gave way to something more selfish by day 3. It was evident that curiosity of the fantastical was now being replaced by fortune seeking. The free ice cream stopped and various vendors were now upping the prices of their wares. People began pushing to get to the front of the crowd. Soon, the tension in the air became so thick I decided not to return... plus the presence of the cops just squeezed all the fun out of it. Coincidentally around the same time the being stopped appearing and granting wishes. At least any new stories stopped. Now stories of the phenomenon shifted to fights and arguments over who had the right to lay claim to the stone.

But for me during those first couple of days, that line from that Beatle song came alive. All the original stories of wishes granted had a common theme. Each one was always tied to a favor or kindness done without being solicited. Not one of the stories had any of the recipients being granted an outrages fortune. The "gifts" all seemed to provide a simple and modest measure of comfort. But even more than that, for a sliver of time, there existed the possible vision of genuine connection between humanity. Perhaps that is why the little man stopped granting wishes... people forgot to make and began coming just to take.

I don't know if that line in the Beatle song is truth... but it certainly couldn't hurt to hold on to the simple ideal embodied within.

The year of 'letting go"

It was my prediction at 12:01 on New Years. It certainly has been that for me. Some others have also intimated that it has been that for them as well.

The process of letting go is an arduous one. For instance, couples who are still battling it out in and out of divorce court have really not let go. The fact that they profess to "hate" someone now... someone that they cared for and made vows to not so long ago... still feel something. They still "care". (Yeah, considering how ugly these things can get this may sound strange.) They are still holding on (no doubt in a warped way) to hope. That through their 'hateful actions" they will (if nothing else) be noticed.

Hate is a passion... as strong as love. If you are investing energy in it... you have not let go. The opposite of love is not hate... it is indifference... the absence of feeling or of caring. Sad and extreme? Yeah... but unfortunately true.

Letting go in that type of situation is probably one of the toughest experiences that anyone can go through. Ego is wrapped up in a complicated swirl of emotions. No one likes feeling rejected. No one likes feeling unwanted. No one ever wants to be placed in that position... weather it be a familial, love, friendship or even in a work or professional situation. Generally most of the problems arise when people decide to skip the grieving process and jump straight to the anger stage. Nothing wrong with being angry... except how we choose to act on it.

That being said... not all of letting go is as traumatizing as that of a romantic love relationship. But they all do involve giving up attachments that our ego deludes us into believing defines who we are.

EDIT: OK... you just have to see the video at Cosima's place. It'll only take 15 seconds of your life.

And... HERE, HERE & HERE are some amazing and amusing time wasters.

My impressions...

... of the first weekend? Hmmm... this is gonna be an interesting one to write. Do I write this as an ex-producer of the Rogue... as a current independent producer & performer... or just an audience member? Decisions, decisions....

It's probably going to be all over the place... so, bear with me on this one.

First... the picture to your right is the actual line waiting for a 4 PM performance on a Sunday! I heard the line for our opening performance was triple that and chairs were added and that over 30 people had to be turned away. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that.

Opening night was fraught with technical glitches... but the cast pulled through. The Sunday show was good. Audience members walked away walked away with what we wanted them to walk away with. You can read some of the responses HERE.

I have decided that the show that I'm actually performing in, Suicide Lounge, is going to do me in. Each of us average 3 drinks a piece during a 45 minute set... for me it is scotch rocks! But we do have fun... and I think the audience does too. It's sick and wrong with some great songs but they love it.

As an audience member... the festival is going well. It really is. people are teeming and buzzing and walking (in a hurried pace) from venue to venue. This year... there is an extra spark of newness that is spreading like a virus... be it from Rogue regulars to the new Rogue audience members. Our numbers are up... but these are all concerns that I don't have to deal with this year.

You can read about this from them HERE, HERE & HERE. Oh, there is more... but I thought these would give you a taste. Plus a couple of local papers in town have gone out full bore with reviews on their blog.

Am I proud? Yes. Nuff said.

Once again... my blogging may be spotty... but I will try to get it all in. Oh, yeah... pictures too!

You ever get one of those days...

... when there is this low rumble of a threat that something could go wrong at anytime? I had one of those today. Just an uneasy feeling. I hate those... especially when that foreboding lingers all day. Though I am thankful (so far) that this inkling hasn't played out... whatever it is.

Just another short one today. Oh yeah, we caught some ink in the local paper yesterday. HERE is the link to that. Also there was something in a local e-zine HERE!

Hope you have a good Tuesday.

(image "borrowed" from HERE.)

EDIT: 8:25 AM

MORE INK! Today's edition features our boy, Kien. You can read all about it HERE! Plus in the same paper some more on the Rogue Fest HERE!

.

the accuser is the accused...

... most of the time. The topic came up recently during a conversation about cheating spouses. A friend was sharing how the "ex" would make accusations of cheating when it was really the ex who was cheating all along. This sparked a lively discussion with the collective agreement that the accuser is more often than not the accused.

When I was younger I was told that "pointing the finger gets 3 pointed back at you". Quaint, I thought to myself until about 20 years ago when I caught myself committing this very sin. What was once a quaint proverb became a very real truth and those 3 fingers of my own hand pointing back at me loomed large. I have since (mended my ways and) learned that accusations only come from expressing our own fears - the very (dark and unsavory) acts we would commit are the same ones we would accuse others of.

If the action never existed within our own realm of possibility we would usually not make the accusation. For instance, another friend a few years ago was sharing marriage woes with me. After several of these chats I suggested that perhaps there was a third party involved and it was vehemently dismissed by my friend. Unfortunately, it turned out to be true. I wasn't really surprised that my friend didn't even consider this a possibility since it was not part of my friend's nature in the first place.

I do however have to qualify all of this by saying that it almost always applies to unfounded accusations. Now if one sees the hand with crumbs... chances are the cookie jar is being pilfered. That's a different discussion entirely.

Unfounded suspicions emerge from the very same place. Not just in matters of the heart but even in the workplace and at play. The one who accuses of slacking is usually always the biggest slacker of the bunch. In gambling... the one accusing of cheating would probably be the biggest cheater at the table. Blurting the accusation is only the eruption fueled usually by mounting guilt and misperceptions. Unfounded accusations and suspicions really only betray one's own possible failings and fears and only illuminates our own dark intent.

On an entirely different note... to all my Chinese friends out there... Kung Hee Fatt Choy! (that's one of the dozen or so spellings I've seen it done in.)

new post later in...

... the AM... promise.

EDIT: 9:03 AM Monday

Loads to do today... when is there not? But things are clipping along at a pretty good pace so, one has to be thankful for that.

Last night I thought about where I am and how I got here. About all the shifts our lives take. How we decide to act or react to those shifts. The ebb and flow of life that causes us to ponder and take in what is in the present.

I know so many who hark back to a past time and almost seem to spend the rest of the present trying to get back to what once was. Then there are those who look to whats ahead with a fervency that almost disregards the present. Yes, I have indulged in both on occasion but never once losing appreciation for the present.

I can honestly say that I have enjoyed every age I have been. Sure, on reflection... some more than others but I never hated any age I have been. The aches and creaks are a little more prevalent now but so is patience and the understanding that one has to allow for the process to play out.

Change is inevitable weather we choose to accept it or not. With the view of the observer it is easier to recognize its occurrence without than it is within. And sometimes we just have to step out and look within to recognize the evolution that is happening and celebrate our own growth.

not sure what is on the menu today...

... as there are leftovers from yesterday that we are still stuffing our faces with... and glad we are for that too. I just finished off a plate and am quite content as I sit here and write. The flavors are still delighting my senses and triggering images nostalgic of distant times. Food does that for me... taste and smell just evoke time and place.

I was thinking about this last night when Zonthar dropped in for rehearsals. (BTW...it was a doozy and featured the presence of one Mr. Murphy... CLICK HERE to read Solitaire's account of it. LOL.) Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Zonthar and I were waxing a little nostalgic about performances and shows past that we worked on together. Yes, I have memories of my life back in Malaysia... and there are memories that I have of my life here as well. They are all rich with detail and experiences that I have appreciated having lived through. Even the not so pleasant ones have yielded lessons that have hopefully made me better.

It's funny how as we are in the moment we may not appreciate what we are experiencing... but in hindsight they seem pretty amazing. Even what may seem mundane at the time would take on a whole different spectrum... especially if the mundane then is not the mundane we deal with now.

Take for instance the fact that I am living an "expat" life now (and have been for the last 25 odd years). It is a little strange to think of myself as an expat because the conventional perception mostly involves those of European heritage living in places other than their countries of birth. Yet, I am one by the very definition of the word. And I do see the present world I live in now with different eyes. But it goes further than that. With some of the natural assimilation here that occurs over time... if I did visit the country of my birth... I would also see it through expat eyes. Not with the judgemental absolutes of good or bad or right or wrong... but just different.

Perhaps that's why I sometimes feel that I've squeezed so many lifetimes into this one.